


Tales from the ZoneCast

by ShadowAndPurgatory



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Balance Spoilers, Bureau of Balance - Freeform, Fluff, Grand Relics, Mcelroy, Requests, Short Fics, mature language, one shots, platonic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-01-05 02:12:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18356495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowAndPurgatory/pseuds/ShadowAndPurgatory
Summary: This is a collection of short stories and Taz one shots. I will be taking requests, although how quickly I get to yours depends. The rest are just ones that I wanted to do, beecause this is. My one shot book and i do what i want within reason. There is no smut, but there is cursing. Also tags are subject to change. I love getting better at writing, so leave comments with any feedback that you have in the comments.





	1. Enthralled

**Author's Note:**

> So the next chapter will be a request page, and I guess I’ll also link to my tumblr at the end. You can submit requests there if you’d rather be anonymous. This basically just how i imagine being enthralled by the phoenix fire gauntlet would feel. I’ll probably do the others too, but not the oculus, because its my least favorite relic. Unless yall really want the oculus.

You want it. You can see the gauntlet, just sitting there, right in front of you. It would be so easy to take it. You can feel the power radiating off of the glove, power that can be yours if you just grab it, and put it on. “No,” you murmur to yourself. “This feels bad.” 

_ You are weak.  _

You can hear the gauntlet’s voice in your head, and you know that it’s right. You aren’t a wizard, and you aren’t strong of body either. 

_ You don’t have to be weak. You can be strong. I can make you strong.  _

Your fingers twitch at your side. Your indecision is being burned away.

_ Just put me on, and you can burn it all away. All the weakness. All the fear. Put me on. _

You begin to reach for the glove. Slowly. 

_ This is what you want.  _

Your fingers brush against the gauntlet’s surface. It’s warm. Comforting. Safe. The gauntlet will keep you safe. You don’t want it. You need it. To be safe. To be perfect. You need the gauntlet. 

_ Claim me.  _

Your hand closes around the gauntlet, and you put it on. You are strong. The world begins to slip away from you. But it doesn’t matter. You are safe. So safe. So warm. 

_ But still afraid.  _

You need to get rid of the fear. 

_ Burn it away. _

Burn it, burn it, burn it,  _ bu _ rn i _ t, _ burn, _ destroy,  _ hurt,  _ kill _ , end,  _ annihilate,  _ fire,  _ strength.  _

Your hand is outstretched, and a column of flames is coming out.

Warm. 

Hot. 

White hot. Everything is disappearing. The fear is gone. You are not afraid. The fire keeps you safe. 

You are dying. It hurts. It doesn’t matter. The pain will stop when the weakness is gone. 

You are burning. You are hurting. You are not afraid. You are powerful. You are safe.

Then, you’re gone.


	2. Request page! Requests are OPEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are the rules for making requests, because i still have some morals.

Alright, if you want me to write a oneshot, then I'm going to lay down some ground rules.

 

I will do:

 

  * luume’irma stuff

  * Angst

  * Fluff

  * X readers

  * Character x character

  * Au’s

  * slight gore




 

I will not write:

 

  * Smut

  * Romantic Ships where the characters are far apart in age

  * Beastiality

  * Merle attempting to romance a sentient ficus. I will not write this, please don’t ask me to. Lee, i'm looking at you.

  * OC inserts.

  * Crossovers

  * Graphic gore.




 

I also won’t take your request if you’re an asshole in the comments. I read them, and if you are an ass, I will not take your request.

 

Please, if you have a specific idea for a fic, be specific! The more i know, the better i can make this oneshot!

 

If you’ve got any other questions, then just ask!

 

So, yeah, you should leave a request in the comments, or request one on my [tumblr.](https://shadow-and-purgatory.tumblr.com/)

 


	3. White Oak Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I work on the angus fic that got requested, i figured i would post this one. Its the enthralled chapter for the Bulwark Staff. A bit harder to do than the phoenix fire gauntlet, since it has no personality, and we really dont get to see what it does. Its school of magic is abjuration, ie protecting stuff, so i twisted that around a bit.

_ I will help you protect your friends. They’re too weak to protect themselves.  _

You stare at the white oak staff. The grass around it is pristine and alive, despite the winter snow. “I can protect them on my own. I don’t need your help,” you say, more to yourself than to the relic. You can see your friends at the bottom of the hill. They’re fighting. Fighting so that you can get the relic. They’re protecting you. 

_ You shouldn’t be here, at the top of the hill. You should be down there, protecting them. If you claim me, I can help you. If you claim me, everything will be fine. _

“I can protect them on my own!” you shout, but you’re reaching for it anyway. 

_ Can you protect them? Are you really sure about that?  _

You remember your friend lying on the ground. Eyes staring ahead. Empty. Body stiff. Wand on the ground. “I-” you stop before you finish talking. You didn’t protect them. You failed. 

_ The Bulwark Staff isn’t dangerous; it’s made to protect others _ , you think to yourself, or maybe it’s the Staff thinking for you, but it doesn’t matter, because seconds later, your hand has closed around the Staff.

You stare at it for a few seconds before you walk down the hill. 

Your friends turn to you, their faces alight with hope. Then, one by one, they see the staff in your hand, and their faces fall. 

You smile and extend the staff, and a gigantic, shimmering, airtight bubble surrounds your friends. One of the barbarians fighting your friends is halfway inside the bubble when it forms. They are cut cleanly in half. Their body falls onto the grass, spoiling the lovely green with ugly crimson. 

You have no sympathy for this warrior. They were an enemy. They did this to themself. They hurt your friends. You walk through the bubble effortlessly while the enemies pound on the bubble. 

“You’re safe now,” you say to your friends. “I will keep you safe. Forever.”

Your friends do not seem delighted. They seem worried. “Please, let us out,” one of them says. 

You can’t remember the specifics of who this person is, but you know that she is a friend, and you must protect her. 

_ They can’t protect themselves. They don’t know how.  _

You shake your head. “No. You’re safe here.” 

_ They are safe. We will keep them safe.  _ You smile. Everything is perfect. You watch as your friends talk amongst themselves. Occasionally, one of them tries to ask you to dispel the bubble. You do not. You cannot. You cannot guarantee their safety outside the bubble. 

One of them starts to gasp. You look at him. He is reddening. He falls asleep. He looks so relaxed. Then, one at a time, they each begin to gasp, before they each eventually fall asleep. 

You walk over to a boy and grab his wrist. No pulse. He’s dead. You check each of them. It’s all the same. They’re all dead.

It doesn’t make sense. You made sure nothing could get inside the bubble. You kept them safe. Why are they dead? What have you done? 

You cough. The air tastes stale. The staff is clutched to your chest as you struggle to breathe more deeply. You can’t. You can’t breathe. Your chest hurts. Your vision is dim. You fall down, and you can see your friends. They are dead. You are dying. You couldn’t protect them, and now you’re paying the price. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this and have a fic that you want to see, then comment or leave an ask on my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/shadow-and-purgatory)


	4. A Day Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo says:  
> gotta be honest. would LOVE to see some reader inserts. romantic is fine, but platonic is what my heart really belongs to. hmm, how about the reader hangs out with the worlds best detective? platonic relationship, of course. just excitedly chatting about caleb cleveland, cause the reader's read 'em. maybe a certain group of adults getting jealous by the fact that their boy is hanging w an adult who Isn't Them.

“I don’t know, Taako. It looks like Angus is already doing something,” Barry said, peering over the bush that they were hiding behind. 

Taako huffed in annoyance. The Academy for Arcane Science had the day off, and Taako had wanted to surprise his apprentice by showing up at the Academy before whisking him off to do something cool. He’d mentioned this plan offhandedly to Kravitz, who’d told Lup and Barry at work. Lup had mentioned it to Lucretia over tea, and Lucretia told Davenport, and one thing led to another, and now the entire family was here. 

Taako poked his head up again. Angus was sitting at a table with an older student, talking about something that Taako couldn’t hear from this distance. The older student was wearing casual clothes, while the clothes Angus wore looked almost no different than the ones he’d worn on the Rockport Limited. 

“It’s not ideal, but there’s not much we can do,” Lucretia said with a shrug. 

The older student laughed, loud and shrill, before saying something that Taako couldn’t hear. Angus giggled. 

“Yeah, uh, fuck that,” Taako said, adjusting his hat. 

“Oh this’ll be good,” Merle said dryly. 

“I came here to surprise Ango, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do,” Taako said.

Davenport sighed. “Taako, you can’t just barge in on someone’s day and-” 

Taako cast Blink and disappeared from view. 

“And he’s gone.” Davenport said, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Yep,” said Merle. “Magnus too.” 

“...what?” Davenport asked, taking a deep breath. 

“He’s trying to sneak up on Angus,” Lup said, pointing. 

Davenport stood on his toes and saw what Lup was pointing at, and sure enough, Magnus was sneaking up behind Angus. 

“It’s a minor miracle that the person Angus is hanging out with doesn’t notice Magnus,” Barry noted. 

“I mean, they do look like they’re pretty deep in conversation,” Lucretia said. 

“Maybe they’re just stupid,” Merle offered. “Wait, no, that’s right. I don’t think Angus would make friends with someone who’s  _ that _ dumb.”

“That can't be right,” Lucretia said. She glanced at Lup and raised a questioning eyebrow. Lup made an ‘oh’ face and grinned, nodding in approval. “After all, he did befriend you, Taako, and Magnus.”

Merle nodded. “Yeah, I guess you’re-” he stopped. “Hey, the hell’s that supposed to mean?” he demanded. 

Lucretia held out her hand, and Lup slapped it.

“So, uh, guys?” Barry began. “First of all, absolutely sick burn on Lucretia’s part. Second of all, what are we going to do about Taako and Magnus?” 

Davenport sighed. “Well, at this point, we really can’t stop them, so I guess we see how this plays out, and  _ then _ we decide what to do.”

However, before any of the birds that were still hiding behind the bush could agree or disagree with this plan, the decision was made for them. 

* * *

If you were to ask Y/N how their day off was going, they would have told you that it had been great, at least until their pizza was stepped on. They had been chatting with their best friend Angus McDonald about what both of them agreed to be the best book series ever, Caleb Cleveland. 

Caleb Cleveland had been how Y/N and Angus had become friends to begin with. When Y/N had started college, they’d been disappointed by the complete and utter lack of other Caleb Cleveland fans. The few times that Y/N had brought it up, they were given odd looks and utter confusion. At best, someone would say “oh yeah, Caleb Cleveland,” which was usually followed by the question “aren’t those kids’ books?” 

And yes, Y/N conceded, they were kids’ books, but they were  _ good _ kids’ books. The Caleb Cleveland novels were witty, intelligent, and they had something for all ages.   Y/N adored the books, which was why it was so upsetting that they had no one to talk to about the series. 

Then they’d met Angus. Y/N had been at the Fantasy Starbucks when they’d seen someone reading the latest Caleb Cleveland novel. They walked over to the reader with the intention of striking up a conversation. It had been a bit of a shock when a literal child put down the book, but Y/N moved past that relatively quickly. 

Y/N and Angus became fast friends, bonding over the Caleb Cleveland books. Pretty quickly, Y/N realized that Angus McDonald was a boy genius, and he’d apparently seen some shit, despite his young age. 

On their day off, Y/N and Angus had arranged to play the Caleb Cleveland trivia game that Angus had gotten from his family. Y/N brought food and Angus brought the game. 

“What is the name of the twenty third volume of Caleb Cleveland?” Angus read from the card. 

Y/N thought about it. “Uh… is it  _ Caleb Cleveland and the Sandwyrm’s Sigil? _ ” they asked. 

“No, that’s the twenty fourth,” Angus said. “The twenty third volume is  _ Caleb Cleveland and the the Castle in the Mist. _ ” 

“Right!” Y/N said, remembering. “That was the one with the cursed mermaid, right?”

“Uh huh,” Angus agrees.

“And it had the human who kept making all the fish puns.” 

“Yeah, they really needed to  _ scale  _ it back,” Angus said. 

Y/N stared at Angus for a minute. “Did you just - was that a fish pun?” they asked slowly. Angus nodded, and Y/N laughed. “That was terrible, but it least it wasn’t as incessant as they were in  _ Castle in the Mist _ . That character was really  _ pun dimensional. _ ” 

Angus giggled at the joke. “That was really bad, Y/N.”

“You started the terrible pun war, McDonald!” Y/N argued.

“Yeah, okay. What the next question?” Angus asked. 

“Oh, right!” Y/N reached into the box and removed a card. “Ooh,” they said as they read the question. “‘Which Caleb Cleveland novel is best known to non-Clevelanders, at least in passing?’” they asked. 

“ _ Caleb Cleveland and the Tomb of Horrors _ ,” Angus said immediately. “It’s the most popular one of all.”

Y/N glanced down at the card. “ _ Damn _ , Angus,” they said, impressed. “You’ve known every single one of these without any mistakes.” They handed him the card, which he added to his already giant stack of victory cards. 

“Well I  _ am  _ the world’s biggest Caleb Cleveland fan,” Angus said proudly. 

“True,” Y/N agreed. “And a boy genius.” They reached for a slice of pizza, and plopped it down on their plate. “Food break!” they declared, pushing the box of trivia cards out of the way. Angus put his stack of cards to the side and began to eat.

“So Angus,” Y/N said after taking a bite. “How’d your family even get ahold of this game yet? I was going to buy it myself right when it came out, but it was sold out in less than twenty four hours.”

Angus hesitated for a second. “My family doesn’t really have problems with getting stuff.”

“I see,” Y/N said. “Got a lot of connections?” 

“Um...yeah, you could say that,” Angus said. 

Y/N raised their eyebrows as they reached for another slice of pizza. “What’s that supposed to-”

Just as they were about to grab the pizza slice, pair of heeled feet were standing on the plate. Y/N looked up. There was an elvish man with a large brimmed hat and an even larger smirk. “Sup, D’jango?” he asked nonchalantly as he stepped off of the table. 

“My pizza…” mumbled Y/N. 

“MAGNUS!” yelled a large, muscled human as he jumped out from behind Angus’s chair. 

Y/N yelped in surprise. 

“Hello sirs,” Angus said with a sigh. 

“What the  _ fuck  _ just happened _? _ ” Y/N asked. Then, after a few seconds, their eyes went wide like saucers. “Holy  _ fuck _ ,” they said softly. Y/N pointed at the elvish man. “You’re  _ Taako Taaco. _ ” They pointed at the human man. “And you’re Magnus Burnsides.” 

Both of the addressed parties nodded. 

Y/N paused for a few seconds. “As in ‘saved the multiverse from being devoured by the hellish incarnation of nihilism’ Taako and Magnus?”

Nod. 

“What are here? At a  _ college _ ? At this table specifically? Can someone please explain what the  _ hell  _ is going on?” Y/N said, their voice slightly more hysterical with every word. 

Taako blinked very, very slowly. It felt as condescending as a blink could conceivably be. “We’re here to pick up Ango,” he said as though it were obvious. 

Y/N held up their hand. “Hang on, hang on. Back up for a second.” Y/N turned to Angus. “You  _ personally _ know Taako Taaco and Magnus Burnsides?” they asked in disbelief. 

Angus nodded. “Um, yeah,” he said. “We worked together at the Bureau of Balance.”

“How hasn’t this come up in conversation?” Y/N asked. 

Angus shrugged. “It just...hasn’t.”

Y/N gaped at their friend. “Are you also secretly the author of Caleb Cleveland?” 

Angus shook his head. 

The other members of the IPRE emerged from behind the bush and greeted Angus. 

“Hatchi  _ matchi,” _ the college student breathed. They waved at the living legends. “ I’m Y/N,” they said. 

Angus smiled. “What are you doing here today?” 

“Well,” Barry began, “initially, we were-”

“Are,” Taako interrupted. 

“We  _ were _ going to surprise you and take you to do something fun,” Barry continued. “ _ However, _ because you are already doing something, we can do it on another day.” Barry gave Taako a look. 

“Nuh-uh, Barold,” Taako said, rolling his eyes. “It’s no small feat to get the entire family together; we’re doing this  _ today _ .”

“Taako, if Angus has plans, we shouldn’t intrude,” Davenport said with a small sigh of annoyance. 

Angus raised his hand. “What if we  _ all  _ hung out together?” he suggested. 

Lucretia hesitated. “That...could work,” she said, not really wanting to hang out with the college student. 

Y/N’s eyes widened. “What?” they asked. The prospect of spending the the day with the ANY of the seven birds was completely alien to them. Spending the day with all of them,  _ and _ their best friend would be awesome.

Lup smiled. “I think that we could combine the two days into one big, awesome activity,” she said. “What are you two doing right now?”

“Pizza,” Y/N said. “We were playing the Caleb Cleveland trivia game, and Angus is crushing it.” They gestured to their own stack of cards, and then at Angus’s stack. “He’s gotten every single question right.” 

Lup dragged a chair over. “Share the pizza.” She grabbed a slice. 

Y/N handed her a plate. “Here you go.” 

Lup waved her family over. “C’mon guys,” she said. “Let’s play some nerd trivia.”

If you were to ask Y/N how their day off had been, they would have told you that it had been going well until they played trivia with the seven birds, at which point it became awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this isn’t really what you requested. I tried to do jealousy, and idk if i hit the mark. If i didn’t, and you have suggestions as to how i can improve, let me know. I had a ton of fun doing this request, and id love some more! If you liked this, then send me requests on my [Tumblr](http://shadow-and-purgatory.tumblr.com/)


	5. Judge, Jury, Executioner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the enthralled that i did for the gaea sash. I rewrote it like five times, and am still not entirely happy with it, but that’s whatever.

~~~~

You believe in justice. In people getting exactly what they deserve. You give out punishments, but they’re _fair,_ and you make sure that the punishment fits the crime. You give out consequences to others. Their own actions decide the nature of the consequences. You punish the wicked, and reward the deserving.

But you’re still constrained by the legal system.

And the others in your field aren’t being _fair_.

The people on trial were destroying a grove of baobabs. Endangered trees. They didn’t even have a reason! They didn’t _deserve_ to get off with no consequences.

Your job is to punish the guilty. To punish those who destroy needlessly.

You sit under a tree. Why won’t they let you do your job?

_It’s not right._

You look around. There’s nobody who could have said it.

_Over here. On the ground, by the tree._

You stand up, and walk around the tree, inspecting the ground.

Then you see it. It’s a belt, sitting on the ground. It isn’t moving, which you suppose is normal, what with it being a belt and all.

You pick it up. “What the hell?” you murmur.

_Put me on._

“I mean, you’re a talking belt,” you say with a small laugh.

_With my help, you can make sure that everyone always gets what they deserve._

You already do that anyways. But it _is_ a nice looking belt.

_Those tree-hurting bastards will get what they deserve._

You don’t think. The belt is clasped around your waist.

You know your purpose.

To punish the guilty.

To give out karma to those who destroy needlessly.

And that’s what you do.

First, you find the bastards who hurt the baobabs for the hell of it. Your hand is outstretched, thorny vines surround them.

They look so scared. They’re pleading for their lives.

You hesitate.

_They deserve this._

And you strike them down with nature’s wrath.

More and more, you see people mistreating that which is given to them. You see a child throwing trash into a stream.

 _It’s wrong_.

The sky flashes with lightning and the child is dead. 

Your purpose is to punish  ~~ the guilty ~~ . 

To  ~~ give those who ~~ hurt  ~~ others what they deserve ~~ . 

To  ~~ reward the deserving, and reprimand those who ~~ destroy  ~~ needlessly ~~ . 

_ This whole city is wasteful.  _

You can return it to nature. 

Make everything better. 

The trees and vines surround the city, before they level it to the ground. 

_ They did this.  _

This is what they have earned. 

You move from city to city.

_ They’re all wasteful.  _

Level the city. 

_ Worthless. _

Punish  ~~ the guilty ~~ .

You stand alone in an abandoned village. Vines sprout from the ground. 

_ Destroy.  _

There’s no one here. Why are you leveling this village?

_ Guilty.  _

You are guilty. This is needless destruction. 

_ Punish. _

What are you  _ doing? _

_ You’ve fucked up, kid.  _

It’s awful. 

_ We should make a new world. _

You can fix this. 

_ You can decide what’s right and wrong. _

Fix it all. 

_ Destroy. _

Start from scratch. 

_ Make it better. _

You can create. 

_ You can be a god.  _

Create.

_ Make a necessary sacrifice.  _

You hand is outstretched, and vines surround you. 

_ This is the only way.  _

Once it’s all gone…

_ There won’t be anyone who can dispute your word.  _

You’ll create a new one.

And the vines close in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me requests for one shots, they’re a lot of fun to write!


	6. A Lost Bet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clarkkentsalterego asked: Lup with “I made a bet. I lost. Simple as that.”

Barry woke up to the sound of someone ramming a broom into the ceiling on the floor below. At least, that’s how  _ he _ interpreted the sound; it could have been anything. He got up, rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and began to search for his glasses. 

And still the broom continued to thump against the ceiling. “I’m coming, goddammit,” he grumbled. “Who the hell could that even  _ be _ ?”

He trudged down the stairs, and looked around. And then he noticed that Lup’s feet were on the ceiling. “What. The. Fuck.”

Lup sighed. “Morning, babe.” 

“Morning,” Barry said. “Lup, why are you on the ceiling?”

Lup grimaced. “I made a bet. I lost. Simple as that.” She shrugged. 

Barry blinked a few times. “What kind of bet makes it so that you got stuck on the ceiling?  _ Who  _ did you make a bet with that ended with you being stuck on the ceiling?”

“Taako,” Lup responded. “I bet Taako that I could stand on one foot longer than him.”

Barry snickered. “And you lost?” 

“Yes,” Lup conceded. “But it was only because he cheated!” she said defensively. “He used Mage Hand to knock me off balance, then denied it ever happening!”

“And that’s why you’re stuck on the ceiling?” Barry asked, raising his eyebrows. 

Lup nodded. 

“And how long are you going to be up there?” Barry asked. 

Lup shrugged. “He was obnoxiously vague about it!” she said. “He said that ‘you’ll need Barold’s help to get down,’ or something like that.” She made air quotes around Taako’s words. 

“I’m sure that the spell has a time limit,” Barry said. “I have no clue how to get you down.” 

“Dammit, Taako!” Lup groused. 

Barry sighed. “I guess we start experimenting.” He grabbed a notebook so that they wouldn’t try the same idea multiple times.

First, he grabbed Lup’s hands, and tried to pull her down. He just ended up hanging in midair by Lup’s arms. 

“Ow!” Lup exclaimed. “Babe, that hurt my arms.” Barry let go. 

He tried walking Lup over to the wall, and then having her walk down, which didn't work either. 

Lup tried to take off her shoes and see if that did anything. The shoes fell to the floor. Lup did not.

The pair used Detect Magic to see if any particular item was the cause of the spell, which it wasn’t. 

Barry tried to pull her down with a rope. This actually worked, except that the moment he slackend the rope, she went straight back up to the ceiling. 

“DAMMIT!” Lup yelled, stomping on the ceiling. 

Barry sighed. “I can’t think of anything else to do,” he said irritably. 

Lup laid down on the ceiling. “Maybe I could climb down something?” she suggested. “But the moment I let go, I’ll fly into the ceiling again.” 

“Try casting Blink, and I’ll grab onto you,” Barry said. “We can get you somewhere with low ceilings until the spell wears off.”

“That could work, I guess,” Lup said. She disappeared, and Barry held out his arms, giving a thumbs up to show Lup that he was ready. 

A few seconds later, Lup was right next to him, grabbing onto his sleeves as she started to zoom upwards. 

Barry grabbed her wrists. “Gotcha!” he said triumphantly. He tugged her downwards, until they were seeing eye to eye. 

“Alright,” Lup said, grinning. “Now let’s get to another room that doesn’t have super high ceilings.”

Barry nodded and walked through the door, towing Lup behind him like an elvish balloon. 

“This was a pretty good idea,” Lup said, and Barry could hear the smile in her voice, even if he wasn’t looking at her. 

“Thanks,” Barry said. “You’d do the same for me, right?”

“Probably,” Lup said as they walked through the hall. “It’s also possible that I would leave you on the ceiling and make fun of you.”

Barry laughed. “Yeah. I wanted to do it too,” he admitted. 

“You should have,” Lup said. 

Barry walked through another door, into a room with significantly lower ceilings. He turned to face Lup. “I’m gonna let go, okay?” he warned. 

Lup grabbed his collar. “Hold up,” she said. 

“What?” Barry asked, confused. 

Lup kissed his forehead. “Thanks babe,” she said. “Alright, now you can let g-” Lup’s personal gravity suddenly righted itself, and she tumbled into Barry.

“Ow,” Barry mumbled. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill Taako,” Lup said, even though she was laughing. “He said that I’d need your help, but I admit that I didn’t think that was he meant!” 


	7. The Director, Magnus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spookyhetero asked: hey hey hey "i'm tired of living" with magnus ;)
> 
> AU Based on [This post](http://bougieass-bitch.tumblr.com/post/183060797282/taz-balance-swap-au-idea#_=_)

 “This is exhausting,” Magnus said to Davenport as he watched Lucretia, Lup, and Barry get into the glass sphere.

“Davenport?” the gnome responded quizzically.

Magnus watched Avi fire the orb bound for the Felicity Wilds. They were gone. He shut his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before returning to his office. He looked at the small, wooden figurines that lined the walls.

No ducks, he thought sadly. He couldn’t keep the ducks in a place where Lucretia, Barry, and Lup could see them. It was too risky. They might remember.

Behind his desk sat a small carving of his family, though anyone who looked at it would only see him, posing dramatically.

“Hey Cap?”

The gnome looked at him, eyes vacant.

Magnus stared at his former captain. He felt sick, but he’d done what was necessary. He had to protect them all. His family. This world.

And every day, he regretted the measures that he had to go to.

He’d stolen journals from Lucretia. He’d stolen family from Lup. He’d stolen love from Barry. He’d stolen everything from Davenport.

He was crying.

“Cap’n’port, I’m tired,” Magnus said. “Tired of being alone. Tired of keeping the others at arm’s length. Tired of lying.” He wiped the snot on his arm. “I guess-” He sighed. “I’m tired of living.”

“Davenport,” the gnome chirped. Magnus smiled weakly.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, blowing his nose. His family would be back soon. They had to be.

***

Magnus choked back a sob. He’d sent his family into the worst place imaginable. The place where he’d lost twenty years and experienced the most awful suffering he could think of. He’d sent Barry, Lup, and Lucretia into Wonderland, and Lucretia was gone.

Barry and Lup were holding hands. They looked awful. Lup still had Taako’s hat, but their stones of farspeech were gone.

“Barry, Lup, I-I’m so sorry about Lucretia,” he said, trying (and failing)to maintain his composure.

“Could we have a moment?” Lup asked, sniffling. “Alone? In your office?”

Magnus nodded, on the verge of bawling. “Yes, yes of course, I’ll make some- I’ll get us some beer, and other comfort foods, and we can all talk in my office,” he said, and ran out of the room.

“Davenport?” The gnome asked, following him.

“Cap’n, I’m so tired of all of this. I’m so tired of living,” Magnus said with a shaky sob.


	8. The Passing of the Bell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heck yeah!!!! How about "your hands are just as dirty" for Barry?
> 
> {shadow here, i love requests, feed me more pls}

Barry stared at the tent. It was eye-catching, flashy, and splendid. More importantly, it  _ radiated _ necrotic energy. 

This was the place.

He’d heard rumors of Wonderland, just bits and snippets, each one wildly different from the others. A few things were consistent among the rumors. 

First: Wonderland was dangerous. Second: People went inside to get things that they wanted. Third: Very few people actually got what they wanted. 

It seemed like the safest place to hide the Animus Bell. 

The question was, how did he get in? As he watched, his name appeared in glowing letters on a black slab above the door, and it opened. He walked through it and into the darkness, and the door vanished behind him. 

“This is fun,” Barry said dryly. Barry looked around, but couldn’t see anyone. “Hey, I want to give you a thing that’ll be cool as hell, so get the FUCK over here so we can talk!” 

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then, a single spotlight illuminated a platform high above the ground where Barry stood. A pair of elves stood on the platform dressed in flashy, stylish outfits. 

“We must admit that this is rather  _ unconventional  _ for Wonderland, _ ”  _ the female elf said, her voice amplified magically so that it came from everywhere at once. 

“After all,” the male elf continued, “most people who choose to play our game have something they want  _ from  _ us, not  _ for  _ us.” 

Barry shrugged. “Well, I’m not interested in playing games or anything; I just wanted to give you something that’ll probably help you with...uh...whatever it is that you do here.” He paused. “What  _ do _ you two do here?” 

A second later, the elves appeared on either side of him. 

_ Twins,  _ Barry noted now that he could see them up close. 

“We are the hosts of Wonderland, a game in which you can get  _ anything  _ your heart desires,” the female elf said. 

Barry nodded. “That’s what I heard,” he said. “I wasn’t sure if the rumors were true.”

The male put his hand on Barry's shoulder, which Barry wouldn’t have been aware of except that he saw it. 

“All of the rumors you’ve heard are almost certainly true,” he said confidently. “Whatever you seek, you will find it in Wonderland.”

“Yeah, I’m not seeking anything, I just want to give you something for safekeeping,” Barry said. 

He removed the Bell from his hip pack. “This is the Animus Bell,” he said, holding it up for them to see. He noticed the immediate greed in their eyes, and his grip on the Bell tightened. 

“It looks pretty, but what can it do?” The male elf leaned in towards the Bell, and Barry moved it back a little bit. 

“It allows its wielder to separate a soul from a body,” Barry said uncomfortably. 

“So you murder them?” The female elf didn’t sound impressed. 

“Well not exactly,” Barry said, a little bit defensive of his work. “The body is still alive, the soul’s just not in it.”

“I see,” the male elf said, eyes glittering. Barry shivered a bit. “It must be useful for you, since you’re a lich,” he said.

Barry frowned. “How did you-”

“We knew the moment that you entered,” the male elf said. “We could sense it.”

“I wonder what pushed you to do the taboo,” the female elf mused. “You’d be hunted down by the emissaries of the Raven Queen, and put in the Stockade for the rest of time. What could be worth that?”

Barry sighed. “It was what I had to do,” he said. 

The male elf leaned in wolfishly. “You’d bring on so much pain. On yourself, on others, and really, it’d be a black mark on the world.”

Barry gritted his teeth. “You two are liches. Your hands are just as dirty. Even dirtier, since you seem to be siphoning away emotions.” He looked at the two liches. “Take the Bell, and let me out. It’s a fair sacrifice,” he said. 

The female took the Bell, and slipped it into a pocket. “We will allow you to leave, but if you should return, then you’ll have to play.”

The door appeared in front of Barry, and he walked out


	9. To fix your mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spookyhetero asked:  
> Taako and the chalice, possibly by taking it

The ability to turn back time had little appeal to Taako. After all, he was famous! He was Taako from TV, known in every part of Faerun,  _ and  _ the Underdark. His childhood had been spent travelling in caravans, which hadn’t exactly been pleasant, but he might not have started his cooking show if he hadn’t lived that way. 

_ Which may have been for the best anyways _ , said a little voice in the back of his head. He squashed the voice, shaking his head a little bit.  _ Sizzle it Up _ was the best thing he’d ever done.

Magnus put a hand on Taako’s shoulder. “Taako?” He asked. He sounded like he’d tried to get Taako’s attention multiple times.

Taako blinked a few times. “Huh?” 

“You spaced out a little bit there,” Magnus said. 

Taako scratched his head. “Sorry about that, my dude. What did I miss?” 

“June — or is it the Chalice? Where does June end and the Chalice begin?” Magnus mused. “Well, whatever, the point is they’re making us an offer.” 

June stared at the three of them with mild amusement on her face, and sat down at the table. “I promise, I’m not gonna cast some thrall over you or whatever. But I truly believe that together we can fix the wrongs in the past, and we can make this world better in the process. So I’m not gonna hypnotise you or anything like that; I’m asking for the opportunity to make a sales pitch for you. I just want you to hear me out and then I'll release the girl, and I promise to go with you without any fuss.” 

Taako shrugged. “Sounds good to me.” He couldn’t really think of anything that he’d turn back time for(with the exception of maybe one thing, but that was irrelevant), so he was good in that regard. He’d watch whatever the Chalice had to show him, take the Chalice back to the Bureau, take a nice long shower, and go to sleep. 

That was how he intended for things to go, but he wasn’t prepared for what June showed him. 

Sazed had tried to  _ kill _ him. He’d put arsenic in the food. 

Part of him was relieved. It hadn’t been a careless mistake. He hadn’t murdered those 40 people! 

But the other part of him knew that even though he hadn’t been the one to poison them, it was still his fault that they were dead _.  _ Sazed had been the one to put arsenic in the garnish, but it had been  _ Taako’s _ unwillingness to share the spotlight that had driven him into the madness of envy. Taako’s selfish nature was the root of the problem.

After a few moments, June spoke. “This is the worst thing that ever happened, Taako, in your life. And you can fix it. If you claim me, then none of this ever happened. Glamour Springs lives, you can keep doing your cooking show, and you won’t have this horrible black mark on what is otherwise a heroic legacy.” She extended the hand that bore the Chalice. “Take me, Taako, take the cup, and you can fix it all.”

  
  


And then Taako was back in the white space with Magnus, Merle, and June. June was sitting at the table, Chalice in hand. 

“I need to lay out the rules for you, ‘cause I feel like that’s only fair. If you take the Chalice, there are three rules that you have to follow. First of all, you cannot walk the path that you walked in this timeline. Specifically, there’s gonna be no joining the Bureau of Balance, ‘cause you could create a paradox. Second of all, you forfeit your place in this timeline completely. There is no comin’ back if you take the Chalice and cross over to your new one.”

She paused while they thought about it. 

“What’s the last rule?” Taako prompted. 

“If you take the Chalice, I’ll create a new timeline for you, but you have to keep it up and running. That means that you have to want every single thing that happens in this new version of reality. The good stuff, and the bad stuff,” June said. She set the Chalice down on the table in front of them and stared at them, silent. 

Taako stared at the cup for a few seconds. “Can we all take it, or-”

June shook her head. “Only one of you can take it.”

“Maybe you should have mentioned that in the rules,” Magnus said. “Just for like, future reference, next time you do this.” The big man had a smile on his face. 

June smiled in mild amusement. “What are your decisions?” she asked. 

The smile slipped from Magnus’s face, and he turned to Taako and Merle. “Listen, I assume that we all had very similar yet different experiences, and this…” he trailed off for a second. “What I saw was something that I’ve wanted for a very long time, and I-” His voice cracked. “I want you both to know that no matter what you decide, I won’t fault you for it, and I won’t judge you. And this new reality, well, it’s what I want, more than anything, but…” His eyes started watering. “But it’s not what Julia would have wanted, so- so I have to pass.”

June’s face fell a bit. “All right. If that’s your decision, then I won’t stop you, but it is a bit disheartening.” She angled herself more towards Taako and Merle, and looked at the two of them expectantly. 

Merle shrugged. “I’m not one to dwell on the past, so I’m going to have to pass as well,” he nonchalantly, though Taako noticed him staring at his soulwood arm.

June pursed her lips a bit. “I see,” she said. She turned to Taako. “What about you?” she asked. “What’s your choice?”

Taako stared at the Chalice. It’d be so  _ easy  _ to take it, and fix the biggest mistake of life. Then his eyes flitted to Merle and Magnus. Over the past year, they’d become such a good team. But once the Relic hunt was over, which was just a short ways away, he knew what would happen. They wouldn’t need to be a team, and they  _ certainly _ wouldn’t need Taako. 

The thought hit him like a brick. He’d be right back where he started. Alone. Scraping for money. And more than anything, he’d be alone. Just like it had always been. Just Taako against the world. The Umbra Staff felt warm under his fingers, and he gripped the handle of it tightly.

“June, thank you for the offer,” he said. He smiled, and turned to Magnus and Merle. “It’s been nice working with you,” he said softly, and those who knew him as well as Merle and Magnus did heard the sincerity in his words. “Well, I  _ won’t  _ be seeing you, since the rules prohibit it and stuff,” he said, grinning. “Buh-bye!” He whirled around and grabbed the Chalice. 

 

On the Celestial Plane, Istus watched a thread in her scarf fall out _ ,  _ and the scarf began to unravel. 

 

Everything changed immediately, although for Magnus and Merle, Taako just disappeared, and they had no way of knowing that everything had been irrevocably changed.

But Taako knew. Taako watched as the world seemed to rip in two. He was seeing double, and he remembered that he had to  _ want _ everything that would happen. He had to want it. 

He didn’t  _ really _ know what happened to Magnus and Merle in the past, but he wanted to take care of them in this new timeline. So he willed them to meet Gundren Rockseeker. He willed them to win the fight against Magic Brian. He willed Merle to take the Umbra Staff, and he willed them a job at the Bureau. He willed them to survive the trial of initiation, and solve the mystery on the Rockport Limited. He willed them to win the battle wagon race, and willed them to defeat Legion. He willed Merle to teach Angus to use cleric spells, and willed Magnus to start training as a rogue with Carey. 

He paused when he neared the present, and decided that he had to go back to his own past determine how he would move forward. 

He went back to when June had frozen time for him, right before he poisoned Glamour Springs. 

And he was there, and he was smiling. He unfroze time, and set the Chalice on the table next to him. “Sazed?” he called. “Sazed, could you come here?” There was a moment’s pause, and Sazed walked onto the stage, looking confused.

“What did you need, Taako?” he asked nervously. 

“Sazed, how would  _ you  _ like to be the first one to sample the 30 Clove Garlic Chicken?” Taako asked. His tone was cheerful, but his eyes were on Sazed’s. 

Sazed shook his head. “I’m- I’m good,” he said. 

Taako raised his eyebrows. “Sazed, I thought you wanted to be on the show more often,” he said mockingly. Taako smiled at him in fake confusion. 

Sazed looked uncomfortable. “No, I-I don’t like garlic,” he said, which was a lie. “You like it; you should eat it.”

Taako clicked his tongue. “Sazed, you were the one who  _ suggested _ that I make the garlic chicken,” he said. “You said that you hoped that there would be leftovers, because it’s one of your favorite meals.”

“ _ I don’t want it!” _ Sazed practically shouted. “You eat it!”

Taako tilted his head. “Is something wrong?” He asked, taking a step forward. 

Sazed shook his head, and Taako could practically see the wheels in his brain turning frantically. “I-I-” he was backing away. He mumbled something. 

“What?” Taako asked. 

“I put poison in it,” Sazed said, a bit louder. 

Hearing Sazed  _ say _ that he put poison in the food seemed to cement it into reality. 

“Get off my stage,” Taako said, voice deathly calm.

“What?” Sazed asked meekly. 

“Get out of my sight, and go and rot somewhere!” Taako’s voice was growing louder with every word. “And don’t ever let me see you again, you piece of trash!” 

Sazed scampered off the stage, and ran away. 

Now, Taako picked up the Chalice, and he knew what to do. He would keep traveling, growing more and more famous. He was so happy, and he knew that he’d made the right choice. However, in some capacity that he could not understand, Taako wanted to see his friends. He couldn’t make contact with the Bureau, that was against the rules, but he could  _ want _ the Bureau to seek him out. He willed a seeker, Angus McDonald, to check Refuge for leads on Grand Relics. 

 

Instead, Angus found Istus. 

She was knitting a scarf, but there was a certain point where the scarf looked like someone had started again with a new kind of thread, and the scarf became almost Frankensteinian in nature. She smiled at Angus.

“Hello, Angus,” she said. Her voice was warm and kind. “There is something very wrong that has happened here.”

Angus looked around. The temple of Istus was in good condition, and nothing really looked out of place. “What do you mean, Lady Istus?” He asked. 

Istus held up her scarf as though it ought to explain everything. 

Angus stared at the scarf. “Lady Istus?” He asked. 

“It looks odd, doesn’t it?” Istus asked, pointing to the place where the pattern seemed to be stitched by someone else. 

Angus nodded. “Yes, but what does that mean?”

Istus‘s smile turned grave. “Someone has changed fate, and turned back time,” she said. “The item they used is called the Temporal Chalice, and it is one of the artifacts you have come to this town to find.”

Angus’s eyes widened. “Where can I find whoever used it?”

Istus smiled again. “I am fate, and I must let the world run its course, so that is not something that I can tell you, but they have upset time, and stolen three emissaries from me,” she said. 

“Tell the two who should have been my emissaries that when the time comes, they must fix the mistake of their brother that isn’t,” Istus said, adjusting her scarf. For a split second, Angus saw the faces of Magnus and Merle flickering in the scarf. Someone else too.

“I will, Lady Istus,” Angus said. He bowed to her, and as he left, he heard her chuckle as she whisper something under her breath. He might not have heard any of it, but as if by chance, the wind picked up. so as he left the temple, Angus heard the last vestiges of an ‘ _ amazing, _ ’ and when he turned around, she was gone. 

 

Taako was the most famous chef in all of Faerun. He knew that, and he was happy about it. He also knew that the Bureau was looking for him. Well, looking for the Chalice. Same difference. He knew this because he’d made it happen. 

Taako didn’t bother trying to hide the fact that he had the Chalice to anyone. He kept the conspicuous looking thing on his counter during all his shows, but never used it for any practical chalice purposes. He knew that no one who wasn’t from the Bureau would notice it. Their brains would tune it out, just like Hurley’s mind has tuned out the Gaia Sash. Sooner or later, someone from the Bureau would notice that it was odd that no one else seemed to remember the ornate chalice covered with clockwork and cogs and jewels, and for some reason, a single, tiny duck had been carved into the metal.

He kept an eye on the people in the crowd, and when they came up for samples, Taako would check their arms. He had to make sure that he was ready for the Bureau when they did come for him. But it was too late. He’d made his decision, and they couldn’t stop him. 

One day, he noticed a small child in the crowd. He recognized the child instantly; he’d never forget Angus McDonald. He made a point to move around the Chalice as often as possible throughout the show. 

Angus was the last person to walk up for a sample, and Taako made direct eye contact with him as her smiled and set the Chalice down on the counter. 

“Hello sir!” Angus said brightly.

“Nice bracer, Agn- kid,” Taako said, catching himself. “Is that real silver?” He asked, reaching over the counter and tapping the button in an inconspicuous manner. “It feels like real silver,” he continued. 

“It is,” Angus said. 

“How’d you enjoy the show?” Taako asked. 

“It was good.” Angus paused, and wrinkled up his face in confusion. “Sir, did you just try to call me ‘Agnes?’” He asked, looking up at Taako. 

Taako cursed silently, but shook his head. “You must’ve misheard me, pumpkin,” he said.

Angus blinked at him slowly, looking unimpressed. “I’m the world’s greatest boy detective; I can  _ certainly  _ detective good enough to see through your bull crap,” he said dryly.

Taako sighed. “Right,” Taako said defeatedly. He looked at the sky, and watched as a glass orb hurtled towards the ground. “Don’t get in it, Ango. I can tell you everything, but just, uh-” He glanced at the Chalice. “Hold up.” He put the Chalice inside a drawer. “Okay,” he said, lowering his voice to a whisper. 

“Mr. Taako, sir, what’s going on?” Angus asked. 

Taako grabbed Angus by his lapels, and hoisted him up onto the counter. “Send a message on your Stone of Farspeech to the Bureau, and tell them to send down their Reclaimers, to retrieve a Grand Relic,” he instructed. 

Angus’s jaw dropped. “Wait, how did you-”

“Doesn’t matter,” Taako said briskly. “Oh!” His eyes widened. “Don’t tell them that I told you to do this, if you please,” he said. 

“But-  _ doesn’t matter? _ ” Angus spluttered. “What do you mean it doesn’t matter? You- you haven’t been innoculated, so how-” 

“Agnes.” Taako looked at the kid. “I will tell you everything, but I need you to dial up the Director, and have her send down the Two Horny Boys,” Taako said. 

Angus blinked a few times, nodded, and pulled out the Stone. He traced out the Director’s frequency, never once taking his eyes off of Taako. 

 

The intercom in the icosagon crackled to life, and the Two Horny Boys stopped sparring with Killian as the Director’s voice filled the arena. 

“Would the Reclaimers Merle Highchurch and Magnus Burnsides please come to the Director’s office immediately for a mission briefing? Merle Highchurch and Magnus Burnsides to the Director’s office immediately for a mission briefing?”

Merle sighed and picked up his X-Treme Teen Bible, which he had dropped on the ground. “Wonder where we’re getting shipped off to  _ this _ time, and who the big bad is,” he said. 

Magnus shrugged. “I try not to think too much about these things,” he said.

“Or at all,” Merle muttered under his breath. 

Magnus glared down at the dwarf before holding up his hand for a high five as he passed Killian. 

“Good match,” Killian said, smiling at the pair. “Good luck with your mission.”

The pair walked to the dome that housed the Director’s office and walked in. 

If they had known her better, they would have immediately known that the Director was very distressed. As it was, they could tell that she wasn’t as composed as usual. 

“‘Sup, Lucretia,” Magnus said, greeting her with the first name that he had learned from Lucas. 

“Please don’t call me that,” the Director said sharply. She let out a shaky breath. “I apologize for being so short with you, but I just got a call from one of our seekers, Angus McDonald,” she said. She ran her fingers along the grooves in her staff, and looked up at the pair of them. “He has found a Grand Relic, and this one is… particularly dangerous, and by far the most tempting to use.”

“With all due respect, the pair of us have been able to handle everything that these Relics have thrown at us so far, including the Thrall,” Magnus said. 

The Director shook her head. “No, this one is…” She sighed. “It’s called the Temporal Chalice, and with it’s incredible power, you could turn back  _ time itself _ .” 

Magnus’s eyes widened. 

“Listen, you both have been able to withstand the thrall of all the previous relics, but the chance to chase the Chalice turns decent men insane.” She looked sad. “You’d be able to fix your greatest mistakes, but...but you can’t imagine the repercussions that it could have on everything else.” She turned around and stared at her portrait. 

Magnus nodded, but he was staring into space, his mind elsewhere. 

“Where are you sending us?” Merle asked, shaking the Director out of her reverie.

“Yeah, and who’s ass do we gotta kick?” Magnus asked absently.

The Director sighed. “We’re sending you to the town of Daggerford,” she said. “And have either of you heard of  _ Sizzle it Up With Taako _ ?” She held up a flyer for a show from about five years ago.

Magnus perked up. “Oh yeah! He came to Raven’s Roost this one time, and he made some pretty bitchin’ macarons.”

The Director nodded. “Angus says that he thinks that Taako is in possession of a Grand Relic, and the description he gave matches that of the Temporal Chalice perfectly.”

“Great!” Merle said. “Then let’s get going, so we can go back to sleep.” He twirled the Umbra Staff around his wrist. The umbrella responded by shocking him. “Okay, okay,” he grumbled. “Moody,” he harrumphed. 

The Director made a shooing motion with her hands. “ _ Sizzle it Up _ is a travelling show, so there’s no way of knowing how long he’ll stay in Daggerford. Angus is down on planetside, trying to stall Taako. Get moving.”

The Director pulled out a stack of paperwork, and began to write.

 

Merle and Magnus’s sphere landed just outside of Daggerford, and it didn’t take them long to find the stagecoach. Just like the Director had said, Angus was there, sitting on the counter and talking with Taako. 

Angus noticed them, and held up a finger to Taako, as if to say “hold on, I’ll be right back.” He jogged over to the pair. “Hello sirs!” Angus said cheerfully. 

“Hey Angus,” Merle greeted. “So, is that elf Taako?”

Angus nodded. “And-” He stopped, and began to mouth out words to them.  _ Mute. Your. Stones. _

Magnus muted his Stone without a second thought, and grabbed Merle’s to do the same. “What’s up Angus?”

Angus looked at them with distress. “He knows about the Bureau. And the Relics. And the Director. And you guys.” Angus’s voice became more distressed by the word. “He knows what my name is. He won’t tell me how he knows, but he asked for you guys specifically to be sent in.”

Magnus began to walk towards Taako, his hand on Railsplitter threateningly. Merle waddled behind him, holding the Umbra Staff in one hand, X-Treme Teen Bible in the other. 

_ Merle looks, _ Taako thought with an amused snort,  _ like he’s gonna poke me with the Umbra Staff, and then ask me to join a congregation.  _

“Magnus! Merle!” He waved them over, smiling like he was greeting old friends, which struck the pair of them as odd. “Hail and well met, my dudes.”

“How?” Magnus asked, glaring at the elf. 

“Hm?” Taako asked as he opened a drawer.

“How can you hear it when I say Voidfish?” Magnus demanded.

Taako put the Chalice on the counter with a thunk. “I can explain all of this, and I will, but we should go inside of the wagon,” Taako said calmly, stepping out from behind the counter. 

“Yeah, sorry, but that sounds sketchy as hell,” Merle said, raising an eyebrow. “Give us one good reason why we should trust you,” Merle said, pointing the Umbra Staff at Taako. The handle of the umbrella began to heat up, and Merle huffed in annoyance. “Moody piece of trash,” he groused. The umbrella continued to heat up until it started to burn Merle’s palm.  _ Then _ Merle dropped it, and it rolled to Taako’s feet. 

Taako bent over to pick it up. 

“Don’t touch that!” Merle said. “It’s very temperamental, and sometimes it doesn’t even let  _ me _ hold it.”

“The I first time I picked it up, it bitch-slapped me across the icosagon,” Magnus put in.

“The point is,” Merle said with a sigh, “the Umbra Staff is very volatile, even around the people it knows. I don’t want to think about what it might do to a complete stranger.”

Taako raised an eyebrow, and picked up the umbrella. When his hand closed around the handle of the staff, it crackled with lighting, just like it had done for him so long ago(Taako supposed that it wasn’t long ago; it had never happened) in Wave Echo Cave, just like it hadn’t for Merle.

Taako leaned on the Umbra Staff like a cane, a smug grin on his face at Magnus and Merle’s open mouths. 

Magnus reacted first. “He did something to the Umbra Staff!” He shouted, pulling out Railsplitter. 

Merle was holding his arm up like he was about to slam the X-Treme Teen Bible down on Taako’s skull, assuming that he could reach that high. “You’ve got ten seconds to give us a good reason to trust you!” 

“Merle is a disgusting person who fucked a plant to open a door,” Taako said casually. “Magnus is training to be a rogue with Carey Fangbattle. You met the Grim Reaper during Candlenights, and his name is Kravitz. You both have bounties on your heads for dying and not checking in to the astral plane.” Taako rattled off the facts as though they were nothing. “Need I go on, or do you trust me enough to go inside my stagecoach where we can talk in private?”

Angus walked over to Taako. “I want to know what’s going on,” he said. “I say we trust him. At the very least, we should trust him enough to hear him out, right?”

Magnus put away Railsplitter, and Taako whirled around and walked inside of the stagecoach, waving them inside.

Angus, Merle, and Magnus walked inside. Taako was sitting on a tiny bed, the Umbra Staff on his lap, Temporal Chalice in his hand. He smiled at them. “Have a seat,” the elf said, and Magnus and Angus sat down. Merle just leaned against the wall.

“Alright,” Taako said. “What I’m gonna tell you is gonna sound absolutely insane, but you’re gonna have to bear with me here.”

Angus nodded and pulled out a notebook and a pencil from his pocket. 

“To summarize: I know you guys, because I was a member of the Bureau of Balance. I was a Reclaimer, and the Umbra Staff was mine. I taught Agnes a few cantrips, we went looking for the Chalice, we found it in Refuge where there was this time loop thing going on. The Chalice made us all offers to fix the greatest mistakes of our lives, you both said no, but I didn’t. I created a new timeline, and here we are now.” 

Angus had been writing furiously. “So, you fell under the thrall of the Chalice, sir?”

Taako shook his head. “Nope,” he said, popping the ‘P.’ He held up the Chalice. “It was an open sales pitch. No mind control whatsoever.”

Magnus stood up abruptly. “You left us behind in that other timeline.” There was a cold anger in his voice. 

“Yeah. What of it?” Taako asked.

“I  _ certainly _ know what the biggest mistake of my life was, and it’s what I have wanted for over half a decade!” Magnus’s voice was angrier as he walked over to Taako, and Taako felt  _ scared _ . He had never, in any of their adventures, been scared of Magnus. 

Magnus grabbed Taako by his collar and lifted the elf up so that they were eye level. “Dammit, if I didn’t go back in time to save my  _ wife _ , then what the  _ hell _ could be so important that you left your friends behind and broke  _ time itself _ ?” The Umbra Staff, which had fallen to to the ground, zapped Magnus’s foot. Magnus dropped Taako.

Taako’s ears flattened against his head. “Glamour Springs,” Taako whispered, tracing the delicate cogs on the Chalice with his finger. “In the old timeline, forty people died after eating my cooking. It was my assistant, Sazed, that had poisoned it, but I’d thought it was just a result of carelessness. In any case, it was still my selfishness that-” Taako started crying. He hadn’t thought about Glamour Springs in almost a year. Some days, he could almost pretend it was a bad dream. He pulled the brim of his hat over his face to hide the tears, letting the Chalice fall to the ground. It rolled a few feet away from him.

His face was red and blotchy, and he wiped his nose. “Besides, it didn’t matter, we weren’t really friends, and-and you guys would have tossed me aside once we got all the Relics, and I don’t want to be alone, I’ve always been alone, and-and I wouldn’t have even had my cooking show, I would have been all alone again, and-” he trailed off into gibberish.  “Magnus, you promised-you promised that you wouldn’t judge either of us for what we chose.” 

“Taako, I’m sorry,” Taako didn’t hear Magnus say, because all Taako could think was  _ what was I thinking, bringing them here? They couldn't possibly understand what we went through in that timeline, couldn’t possibly understand how close we were as friends.  _

Then the idea hit him. 

_ I can have a do-over. Go back in time. This time, I can hide the Chalice from Angus, I don’t have to call down the Reclaimers, and everything will be perfect, because when it comes to emotions _ , “Taako’s good out here,” he whispered, releasing the brim of his hat. 

He didn’t really hear Magnus yelling at Merle about using the spell Calm Emotions, didn’t really hear Angus asking Taako what he had said. All Taako could hear was his own voice, repeating the mantra like a metronome who’s swinging he depended upon to live. 

The Umbra Staff rolled over to his hand, and if he’d been thinking about it, he might have wondered how it had rolled on its own, but he wasn’t thinking about it. His hand closed around the handle, which began to heat up. Not enough to hurt Taako, but enough to comfort him, like a warm hand might. It was enough to pull Taako out of the haze in his mind. 

Merle opened his X-Treme Teen Bible and cast Sleep on the elf. Taako resisted at first, but he was so exhausted, and his friends were by his side, the Umbra Staff in his hand, and he felt safe. So after a moment of fighting to remain conscious, Taako allowed himself to drift off to sleep.

Merle glanced at the Umbra Staff, which Taako was clinging to like it was his only comfort. “Why does he get to twirl it around and hug it when I can’t even hold it without the damn thing trying to kill me?” 

“Maybe the Umbra Staff doesn’t appreciate plant fetishes?” Magnus suggested. 

“Har dee har har,” Merle said dryly. 

“Sirs? Should you grab the Chalice?” Angus asked. 

Magnus sighed. “Yeah, probably.”

“What are we gonna do about Taako?” Merle asked. 

“Fix the mistake of the brother that isn’t,” Angus murmured, realizing what Istus meant. 

“Hm?” Merle hummed.

“When I was doing Seeker stuff in that desert town, Refuge, I went to the temple of Istus, and the goddess appeared in front of me,” Angus explained. “She told me that I needed to the ones who should have been her emissaries that when the time comes, they’d have to fix the mistake of their brother that isn’t. Then, I saw both of your faces in”

“What does that even mean?” Magnus asked. 

“‘The brother that isn’t’ is Taako, you two should have been her emissaries, and the mistake that Taako made was using the Chalice to turn back time!” Angus said excitedly. 

Merle and Magnus didn’t seem to share his enthusiasm. “But Angus, how do we fix a problem like that?” Merle asked dubiously. 

Magnus and Merle silently brainstormed for a few minutes, or at the very least, that was what Angus  _ hoped _ they were doing. 

“What if we-” 

“We aren’t using the Chalice.”

“Nevermind.”

Angus bit his lip as he tapped his pencil against his nose. “Well, what if we went to a temple of Istus and asked her for help?”

Merle patted Angus’s head. “That’s not half bad,” he said. “Let’s wake up Taako, and uh...do either of you know where the nearest temple of Istus is?” 

Angus and Magnus shook their heads. “Aren’t you the cleric here?” Magnus asked, eyeing Merle.

“I’m a cleric of  _ Pan _ , you  _ walnut! _ ”

“The only one I know about is the one in Refuge,” Angus said. “And Daggerford is about a day’s ride from Refuge.” 

“Wake up Taako,” Merle said. “We can use his stagecoach.” 

Magnus didn’t remember knowing Taako, but all the same, he felt compelled to help the elf. He wasn’t entirely sure  _ why _ he wanted to help, but he did. He smacked Taako at 2% power so as not to hurt him.

Taako woke up, mumbling sleepily. “Lemme ‘lone,” he slurred, batting at the air. 

Magnus picked up Taako, and set him back down upright. “Wake up,” he said. “We’re going to fix your screw up, and to do that, we need you to drive us to Refuge, m’kay?” 

Taako nodded his head, yawning. “Okay,” he said. I’ll leave the stagecoach here at a valet, and we can take the supplies wagon. The stagecoach is heavier, so we’ll get there faster in the wagon.”

By the time the stagecoach was in a valet, Taako, Merle, and Angus were in the back of the wagon, and they were on the road it was night. 

Magnus was driving, because he had vehicle proficiency. “Trust me, if we run into any trouble with the law, I’m the guy you want at the wheel,” Magnus had said, and no one really thought it was worth it to argue with the fighter. 

Taako was checking all of the supplies against his list. Perhaps it was a pointless effort since he might be restarting this timeline anyways, but the mindless task took his mind off of everything else. 

Angus was sound asleep under the tarp that was his makeshift blanket, using a pile of  _ Sizzle It Up  _ T-shirts as a pillow. He was such a quiet sleeper that it was easy for Magnus, Taako, and Merle to forget that he was there at all.

Merle was using Magnus’s axe, which glowed with divine Light, to read from his X-Treme Teen Bible. Occasionally, he’d mutter something that neither of the two that were awake could hear.

“Whatcha doing?” Taako asked the dwarf curiously. 

“Studying my cantrips,” Merle responded, and Taako laughed. 

“You can just  _ say _ masturbating, you don’t have to use weird euphemisms!” Taako said, grinning at Merle. Merle couldn’t see the grin in the darkness, but he could hear it in Taako’s voice. 

“ _I’m_ _deep in thought!”_ Merle said angrily. 

“Don’t come in mom, I’m studying my cantrips!” Magnus’s hearty laugh drifted back from the driver’s seat.

Taako laughed along with the big man.  _ Really, it feels exactly the same as it had on the road to Phandalin _ , he thought. With Angus asleep, it was just the three of them, traveling together in a wagon.  _ Just like old times. _

Of course, the circumstances were  _ very _ different than old times. Magnus and Merle had a bond with each other, and Taako felt as though he had a bond with them, but they didn’t have a bond with Taako. How could they? 

Taako finished the inventory check long after Merle had extinguished the light and gone to sleep. He climbed into the driver’s seat next to Magnus, who looked at him in surprise. 

“Hey Taako,” greeted Magnus. “How come you’re still awake?”

Taako shrugged. “Not tired,” he said. It was a lie, and a bad one considering that he yawned immediately after saying it, but it was a lie that Magnus chose to ignore.

“Cool,” Magnus said. There was a brief pause. “Tell me about the other timeline. The one you left.”

Taako looked at him in mild surprise. “What do you want to know?” 

“Well, I want to know about the Bureau, and the three of us, and basically whatever you’re willing to talk about,” Magnus said. “How’d we meet?” 

Taako smiled. “Well I guess it started with Craigslist,” he began. He went through the adventures of the Tres Horny Boys, bit by bit. Magnus was a good listener, laughing at all the right parts, his eyes widening in shock at some.

“And I said ‘Hey thug, what’s your name? I’m about to tentacle your dick!’ And I cast Evard's Black Tentacles on him! The best part? He blushed!” Taako said, howling in laughter. 

Magnus laughed heartily. “Man Taako, I wish you’d been in our party. Your timeline sounds  _ way _ more interesting than this one!” He shielded his eyes as the first rays of sunlight hit them. “Holy shit dude, we’ve been up all night,” Magnus said. 

Taako yawned. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He stretched, the Umbra Staff in his hand. 

“That umbrella suits you a lot better than it suits Merle,” Magnus commented.

“Everything suits me better than it suits Merle,” Taako said matter-of-factly.

“I heard that!” the pair heard Merle grouse as he climbed beside Taako. 

“Well you can’t argue with the truth, old man!” Taako said with a laugh. 

“What are you two talking about anyways?” Merle asked. 

“Taako’s telling me about the other timeline!” Magnus said excitedly. “It was so much cooler than this timeline.”

Merle yawned. “Oh. Well don’t stop on my account,” he said, waving his hand in a gesture that said ‘go on.’

Taako grinned. “I’d just seduced the grim reaper with oily black tentacles,” Taako said. 

Angus woke up an two and a half hours later to the laughter of the Tres Horny Boys. “Morning sirs,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “Are we almost to Refuge?” 

“Yep!” Magnus said. “We’re about five minutes away.”

“That’s great!” Angus said. 

Ten minutes later, they were at the temple of Istus. 

Magnus glanced at Merle. “So, do you have any idea how this works?” He asked. “Summoning Istus, I mean.”

Merle rolled his eyes. “I told you, I’m a cleric of  _ Pan.  _ I don’t know shit about Istus, other than that she’s the goddess of fate.” 

“Sirs, you may want to look up,” Angus said, pointing to the tapestry depicting happy people in the embrace of Istus. And just below the tapestry, in the flesh, was Istus. 

She smiled. “Hello again, Angus. It’s nice to meet you again as well, Merle, and Magnus.” Her smile fell a little bit. “Taako.”

Taako looked down at his feet. “Hey Istus. Long time, no see, huh?”

Merle knelt on the floor.  “Oh great and holy Bismuth-”

Istus chuckled. “It’s Istus, actually,” she corrected. Her gaze turned to Taako. “Taako,” she began. “When you agreed to be my emissary, one of the things we specifically talked about was not tampering with fate.”

“Well, I didn’t plan to get tempted by the Relic. It’s just-” Taako looked up. “Well, it was the biggest fuck up of my life, yeah? And- and I got the chance to fix it, so I did it, and I fucked up even more by doing that, so what I’m asking is for you to please help me fix it!” Taako blurted out the whole thing in a single breath. “Please. I-I want to make this right, so-” He held out the Chalice. “Please take this, and use it to fix everything!” He looked down at his shoes, his grip on the Umbra Staff tight. 

Taako felt the Chalice leave his hand. “You did indeed, fuck up pretty badly,” he heard Istus say. “But you also want to fix your fuck up.” Taako felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and he looked up. Istus was smiling. “And I will do this for you. I do not know what consequences you will have back in the timeline where you belong, and I cannot help you out of those, but I will right this wrong.” 

Taako was beaming. “Thank you,” he said. He turned around, and tossed the Umbra Staff to Merle, who caught it. It zapped him. “Take care of yourselves, homies!” He turned back to Istus. “What do I do now?”

Istus tugged a single thread loose from her scarf, and handed it to him. “Walk to the Davy Lamp, don’t look back, and don’t let go until you get there,” she instructed. She handed him the Chalice. “Don’t you need to take this back up to the moon with you?” She asked.

Taako turned around, and began walking with the thread in one hand, the Chalice in the other. 

And though he doesn’t see it, can’t see it because it’s behind him, things are changing. Magnus and Merle materialize in the Davy Lamp’s white space with June; they’ve just watched Taako disappear after using the Chalice. Angus is back up on the moon base, practicing Prestidigitation and hoping that Taako will return to the moon base to see it. Taako’s stagecoach is gone, and so is the supplies wagon.

And then Taako is back in the Davy Lamp, and he sees Merle and Magnus, his best friends, and they’re frozen in time, sniffling, shock evident on their faces. He releases the thread, and Istus begins to knit reality back together. Taako is wearing the skirt he bought at the Fantasy Costco, the Umbra Staff is at his side. His bracer weaves itself onto his arm, and time unfreezes. 

“Hail and well met, my dudes,” Taako said, leaning on the Umbra Staff like a cane. 

Magnus and Merle looked up. “Taako!” Magnus enveloped the wizard in a great big hug. “I thought you used the Chalice!”

“I did,” Taako said, making no attempt to free himself from Magnus’s arms. “But it was pretty shitty, so I decided that fuck that, this timeline was cooler,” he lied. “So I’m back, I’m here to stay, and you can let go now, okay?” 

Magnus hugged him tighter. 

“Careful, my dude. You’re going to break my ribs.” But Taako didn’t try to break out of the hug. “You did hear me, right? I’m not going anywhere, Taako’s good out here.” And he knew that he  _ was _ good out here.

Better yet, for the first time in eight years, he was home.


	10. She Doth Teach the Torches to Burn Bright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cavity warning for tooth rottingly sweet magnulia fluff

“‘Meteor shower tonight’?” Julia Waxmen looked up from the flier at Magnus. “What’s this?” 

“Oh, uh, I found the flier on a- a lamppost outside, and I thought you might be interested in it,” Magnus said, scratching his head. 

Julia laughed a little bit. This was a lie. Julia had just been out there, and there had been no flyer. In any case, Julia recognized Magnus’s handwriting on the fake flyer with crayon illustrations of stars. It was adorable, and super sweet. “That sounds like fun,” she said, smiling. Her eyes crinkled just a little bit when she smiled, and Magnus felt his face heat up. 

“Would you...be interested in seeing a bunch of shooting stars? With me? Meteor showers don’t happen that often, so I thought it’d be really special,” Magnus said.

Julia smiled. “Of course Magnus,” she said happily.

Magnus grinned. “Yes!” He stage whispered. 

“So, what time should I meet you to see the stars?” Julia asked. “And what place?”

“Uh, it’s a...new...building,” Magnus said. “I’ll pick you up around eight thirty, okay?”

Julia nodded. “I’ll be ready!”

“Great!” Magnus said. “I’ll see you then.” He grinned. “I gotta go and do...uh…carpentry stuff. So I will see you! In a couple hours. At eight thirty.” He walked into his workshop and shut the door.

Julia smiled fondly. 

The door opened, and Magnus poked his head out quickly. “Bye!” He shut the door. 

Julia laughed, shook her head, and went behind her desk to fix a pin that wasn’t working quite right. 

Behind his workshop door, Magnus was  _ beaming _ . 

“Well that was slick.”

He glanced at Steven, his hopefully-soon-to-be father-in-law. He took a deep breath in preparation to argue. “Listen,” he said. 

Steven raised an eyebrow. “Go ahead, tell me, in what  _ world _ was that slick?”

_ Fifteen, _ Magnus thought automatically. He briefly wondered where that had come from, before he remembered the conversation he was having, and it disappeared from his mind. “Listen, I  _ did _ it, okay? I asked her, I made a flyer and all that shit, and she said  _ yes _ , which is what really counts.”

Steven laughed. “Magnus, I never doubted- well no, that’s a lie, I doubted you a lot, but you pulled through!”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “ _ Steven,” _ he groaned. 

“I’m just messing with you,” Steven said with a laugh. 

Magnus reached into the hidden bric-a-brac compartment that he’d built into the underside of his desk, and pulled out a small box made from carefully polished cherry wood. He cradled it in his hands as though it were a treasure worth more than his soul. 

“Steven, do you think she’s gonna say yes?” he asked, looking up at Steven with nervous hope in his eyes. 

Steven smiled. “Magnus, you’ll do just fine,” he reassured the big man, patting his shoulder. 

Magnus smiled, his confidence bolstered. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I  _ will _ do just fine.”

 

By the time eight-thirty rolled around, Magnus was nervous again. He’d checked to make sure that everything was in place, and now he was pacing back and forth outside of the Hammer and Tongs, the little box in a heavily padded pocket. 

“Alright Magnus,” he said to himself. “This is gonna be  _ great _ , and she’s gonna love it.” He opened the door, and there was Julia, hair pulled out of her face. 

She was putting pins into the wheel she’d been working on, but when Magnus walked in, she looked up. “Hey Mags,” she said with a smile. “So.” She stood up. “Ready to go see the stars?” 

Magnus nodded. “Hell yeah!” He said with a grin. 

When they walked out of the workshop, Magnus had an idea. He took off the red scarf that was wrapped around his neck. “Hey Jules, could you put this over your eyes?” He asked. “I want this to be a surprise.”

Julia smiled crookedly. “So long as you promise not to lead me off a cliff,” she said. 

“Oh darn, there goes my plan,” Magnus said with a chuckle. “But I promise not to lead you off a cliff.”

“Great,” Julia said. “Then no, I don’t mind being surprised.” 

The scarf was tied over her eyes like a blindfold, and Julia felt Magnus’s hands on her shoulders. 

“Alright,” he said. “I’m gonna walk you to the  _ perfect  _ spot to do stargazing.”

Julia nodded. “Sounds good to me,” she said. 

Guided by Magnus, Julia walked. She could tell that they were going up to one of the higher levels of Raven’s Roost by the way the ground sloped up, but other than that, she had no idea where they were going. 

After a while, Magnus said “Stop.”

Julia stopped moving, and she felt Magnus take his hands off her shoulders.

“Okay, hold on, don’t take off the blindfold quite yet,” she heard him say.

“Got it,” Julia said, smiling in amusement. 

“Okay, you can look now.”

Julia fumbled with the scarf for a moment before forgetting the knot and pushing it down her face. She gasped a little bit. They were standing near the edge of the high plateau overlooking both the city of craftsmen and the land surrounding it. The plateau was connected to the columns of Raven’s Roost by swaying bridges. There was a lone tree surrounded by large rocks with a small swing attached to it. The tree had tiny pink and white buds at the ends of the branches. 

Perhaps most shocking of all was the gazebo, which was perched on the very edge of the plateau, slightly hanging over it. There were windchimes made of various types of wood, clunking musically in the soft breeze. Magnus was standing in the gazebo, smiling at Julia in that way that he did so that his whole face lit up. 

“So…” he trailed off. “Do you like it?”

Julia smiled. “You dork,” she said affectionately. “Of course I do!”

Magnus gestured her inside the gazebo. “I’m glad.” He sat down in a chair. “I made it for you.”

Julia’s mouth dropped open. “You  _ made _ this? When did you have the time?” 

“Yeah, I got up really stupid early and worked on this. I wanted to surprise you, y’know?”

Julia sat down next to him. “Well, you definitely succeeded.”

Magnus smiled even wider. Then his eyes widened in surprise and he pointed behind Julia. “Look, a shooting star!” he exclaimed. 

Julia whipped around, but saw nothing. “Where?” She asked. 

“Oh, I guess you missed it,” she heard Magnus say, although he didn’t sound as disappointed as his words might convey. Julia turned around to see a small cherrywood box inches away from her face. 

“Julia,” Magnus began, “I-I love you. A lot. More than anything, actually. Like, more than dogs even. So, uh-” He lifted the lid of the box, and Julia’s eyes widened. 

Nestled on top of soft green cloth was a ring made of aspen wood, carefully sanded, polished, and shined to perfection. “Julia Waxmen, will you please marry me?”

Julia’s eyes were shining. “You doofus,” she said as she threw her arms around him. “Of course I will, yes, yes, a billion times yes!”

Magnus wrapped his arms around her tightly. “I love you, Julia Waxmen.”

Julia punched his arm. “Burnsides,” she corrected. “It’s Julia Burnsides now.” 

“Jules, it’s a shooting star!” Magnus said. “For real this time!” 

Julia pulled away and saw its light streaking across the sky, and then another, and another, and then the night sky was full of light.

Julia smiled at Magnus. “This is beautiful,” she said. 

“Yeah, but you know something?” Magnus asked. 

“What?” 

_ We begin to pan out, and we see the twinkling lights of Raven’s Roost below the gazebo. We see a sky so full of stars, so bright, so safe. _

“You outshine all of these stars, without a doubt.”

“Don’t be cheesy!”

“Hey! Julia, you didn’t have to push me!”

_ And we see time freeze on this perfect moment.  _

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, then send me requests on my Tumblr right here.


End file.
